. . . post a picture instead.

I’ve been bad.

And I am reaping the consequences of my bad behavior. But I have willingly submitted myself to the penalty of my wrongdoing by coming up to my two officemates with my sacrificial tin can holding my most treasured treats.

“Sa inyo na lang ito. Ubusin nyo na.” (You can have this. Eat everything.) I say this to them while feeling my throat, trying  to determine if my tonsils are swollen already. (Upon closer inspection—thanks to a mirror—I confirm that the twins are.)

The recipients of my forced generosity laugh at me. Both know me too well. And even if I am acting as their boss for a time (in the absence of our department’s real top boss), that did not stop them from ribbing me: “Kung di pa sumakit yang lalamunan mo, di mo kami maiisip bigyan ano?” (If your throat didn’t hurt, you wouldn’t think of giving us some, right?)

How could they accuse me of such?  How could they? Don’t they know about the verse in the Bible that says we should not judge? (*wipe tear*) But I don’t blame them because I am . . .

Guilty as charged.

Two nights ago, I bought a bar of chocolate to add to my birthday gift to a friend. And while I was surrounded in SM by chocolates of every brand (our own lowly Chocnut was even represented there), I decided to buy for myself too:  A 200-gram tin can of Van Houten’s Assortment (VH was established in Switzerland in 1828 and was classified as the best Chocolate in the world). I tried to convince myself that I was buying it for the can. Wow, imagine the knickknacks that I can keep here. How useful!

And so I wasted no time in consuming its contents to use the can(!). Been gobbling chocolates for three days already. This afternoon, with the can’s contents down to half, I experience a slight discomfort in swallowing.

Deja-vu. This has happened before.  I ate too much chocolates, too fast, again.

What should I do? Give away the source of my pain (after it has become a source of my joy) and let myself heal. Done! Now I’m considering putting on a sackcloth, shaving my head, scraping a broken piece of pottery in my skin ala Job of the Old Testament while reciting this mantra three times a day, morning, noon and night:

“Don’t eat too much chocolates. Don’t eat too much chocolates. Don’t eat too much chocolates.”

Bad, Beng. Bad. Yet I don’t have to be defined by my weaknesses (for chocolates, in particular). Just wait and see. For a week, I won’t eat any chocolates. And my abstinence won’t have to make me feel weak. Someone infinitely greater than me can help me. Lord, save me from myself. I love You more than chocolates.

She was standing two feet away from me. As the escalator was going up, I turned my head to the right and noticed. The lady, around 50-ish, does not have a left hand. All she had was a smooth stump that ended her wrist. I tried hard not to look. But my curiosity got the better of me. So I saw that on her handless forearm slung a plastic package, plus her handbag. She was laughing, with two of her companions providing the punchline to a joke.

We went our separate ways when we reached the second floor level. But my thoughts stayed with woman with no left hand. How did she lose it? When? When she was sixteen, or when she was thirty-two? Did she figure in an accident, or was it from an obscure flesh-eating disease?

If I had the nerve and no risk of being mistaken for a crazed woman, I’d stop her. And ask her who she is, where she’s from, what she does. And then, if I’d have earned her trust, I’d ask her if we can continue the conversation. And then one day, maybe she’d feel safe enough in my company to tell me the story behind her missing hand.

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There are as many stories waiting to be read as there are human beings on planet Earth. Because every person, without exception, is a story waiting to be told. Indulge me for a moment and imagine people walking around as if they were books.  Wouldn’t that be exciting? What books would catch your fancy and what books will get enveloped in dust? Can you forgo sleep just to read through, nay, spend time with, one book that you just cannot put down?

For five minutes tonight, I wanted to read only one book: hers. And discover the story of the woman with no left hand. For all I know, hers might be the story of a mother, a wife, and a daughter whose body might be broken but whose soul is whole.

The moment I alighted from the bus and saw how the cars seem to be parked where they were instead of moving, I knew. Stay. In SM. Do…whatever.

Good thing that in my bag is my wifi-enabled netbook. My inner geekhood whispered to me, “Use it. Surf the net while having dinner. ” (Shopping, I realized, do not appeal to me when I’m in a hotspot.)

- – - – - – - – - – - -

I did something crazy this lunchtime. My officemate Ian couldn’t believe that I will actually do what I did. Thirty minutes before lunchtime, I announced  that I was planning to cook my  food. Saute corned beef in garlic and onion in the oven toaster. Zap scrambled eggs in the microwave.  He was laughing, shaking his head and probably thinking like I was nuts. “This, I gotta see,” he said. (Oo, yun talaga ang sinabi niya. Inglesero yun eh.)

He wasn’t alone in his estimation of my craziness. Our British consultant Ate Lindy saw me in the pantry, in the middle of my cooking. She asked me something like, “You really think it’s easier to do that than ask Bing to buy your ulam?”  (Oo, yun din talaga sinabi niya. Siya naman, marunong magtagalog. British yun ha?!) Well, of course, I knew asking someone to buy me food from the corner canteen is so much easier. But then, where is the challenge in that? And besides, cooking makes me happy. Yes, even if my “kitchen” is just a small, cramped pantry and all I have for ingredients are two eggs, a tiny can of corned beef, a bottle of oil, and a bulb of onion and a head of garlic. Plus salt. Iodized salt to make me smarter (!). [PS: I think the last ingredient didn't work.]

My culinary exercise this lunchtime proved to me how stubborn I can sometimes get. That when I decide to do something, I will do it no matter what it takes. Even if it seems foolish or impossible or hard to do by others’ standard. But hey, don’t you think it was a good challenge? For who doesn’t love to bite on a challenge every now and then? And oh, did I enjoy spoonfuls of this challenge. With rice.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

The Pizza Hut crew is now pulling down the restaurant’s shutters. My cue to start packing my trusty netbook and be on my way home. By now, the traffic situation should have improved. I thank God for small joys such as this: An unplanned time to be by myself and do some thinking. Yes, even if my thinking is directed at something so inconsequential as my crazy, culinary stint.

“Clever!” I would’ve exclaimed if only I were allowed to make a sound louder than a whisper in the darkened Rizal Theater of Ateneo. “What a clever idea to use the phrase ‘Fool’s gold’ for this story!” Forgive my fixation on words but that moment of delight just happened to be the most valuable return on my investment of two hours one Saturday afternoon.

The story of King Midas was the second of the stories that ushered theater enthusiasts—made up mostly of college students—into the ten stories of love of Metamorphoses. Mary Zimmerman’s material, based on Ovid’s fifteen-book narrative poem on the creation of the world, attempts to paint a collage of love and transformation. And Tanghalang Ateneo, celebrating its 31^st season, borrowed her material and used an almost-bare stage as a canvass.

Pre-Metamorphoses, I did not know many of the characters portrayed. But now I can tell you that Psyche is not just the spirit or the soul but the object of passion of Eros; Orpheus is not the character from Matrix (“That’s Morpheus!”) but the heartbroken husband of Eurydice who sets out for the Underworld; and Phaeton is not a kind of snake but the reckless-driving son of Apollo who scorches the Earth.

But even with that many gods and goddesses on stage, their combined presence was impotent to command excitement. By the time the third story of love was being acted, all I could think of was, “Oh no. I’d have to endure watching seven more.”  The number of situations depicted made me feel like I was being deluged with too much information. So this is how it feels like drowning while watching a play. Before I am able to fully absorb one story, the characters of another story sashay into the stage. The kilometric lines of archaic-sounding words did not help the play grow on me either. These two factors made it particularly challenging for the young thespians to reel the audience in.

Sure, Tanghalang Ateneo tried to infuse fresh blood into this play by adapting some parts of the dialogue to reflect the language of the 21^st century. But sadly, save for a few parts that stirred the audience—particularly when Vertumnus tried to woo Pomona or when Myrrha was consumed by the wrong kind of passion, their overall performance was still anemic. The voice projection of the actors was also sometimes weak, which made us strain our ears to hear and understand what in the ancient world was going on.

I left the theater with a greater appreciation for the fool’s-gold phrase.  But other than that part, everything else really sounded Greek to me.

No need for a lie detector machine for this Honesty tag.

===
Can you fill this out without lying (it’s not hard)? You’ve been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose at least 8 people to be tagged. Don’t forget to tag me!

Next, tag people and list their names at the bottom. Have fun!

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
A banana.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?
During our company retreat in Batangas.

3. Can you play the guitar?
No.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today?
Gladys, one of my five lunchmates.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
Past midnight. Got home late, went online, fixed my stuff.

6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Right now, no. But someday, if I’d have to, yes. For the right reasons, that is.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
No(t yet ) too. [Answer borrowed from Gypsy. That was too cute an answer!]

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you on Facebook?
Beth Parrocha-Doctolero. Super-artist and supermom to Uriel.

9. Do you believe ex’s can be friends?
Yes. I’m tempted to elaborate but I won’t give in.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
The sparring partner of Dr Salt? Indifferent. (Seriously now, Dr Pepper is not available where I live so can you blame me if I feel indifferent?)

11. When was the last time you cried?
Sunday, around 1am. Watched 100.

12. Who took your profile picture?
Jon de Vera, OMFLit’s resident photographer.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My nephew Pong wearing his sombrero and Mexican costume.

14. Was yesterday better than today?
Pretty much the same except that I was busy yesterday for reasons different from today.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
Yes, even for months.

16. Are you upset about anything?
No.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes. Always worth the risk, I guess.

18. Are you a bad influence?
I hope not.

19. Night out or night in?
Depends on what’s going on outside.  But I’m really a night-in kind of a person.

20. What item(s) could you  not go without during the day?
When I need to go outside — Cellphone, wallet, lipstick, earrings.

21. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
It’s from JI, informing me when she can pick up her prize from our office and  requesting prayers for a common friend.

22. How do you feel about your life right now?
Life is like a box of chocolates, which is why I love it.

23. Do you hate anyone?
No.

24. If we were to look in your Email inbox, what would we find most?
Depends on which email inbox. I have 2 active email accounts. But okay, email from officemates, friends, Facebook, and  people I don’t know who want to give me money or offer good bargains on books, cds, food and all the other stuff being sold on the internet.

25. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Yes.

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
No.

27. What song is stuck in your head?
Voice of  Truth by Casting Crowns

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
My room is on the second floor. I’ll be freaked out if somebody knocks on my window at 2am.

29. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
No.

30. Name something you have to do tomorrow.
Finish encoding the corrections in one manuscript.

31. Do you think too much or too little?
Too much.

32. Do you smile a lot?

No. Some friends confessed that they initially thought I was a snob!
Tagged: Gypsy, Jen, Glads, Swipe, Ivy, Karina, Lynnie, Bong

He has been standing behind a stone of meanness, hoping that it will keep him safe inside  the cold, dark cave of isolation he calls home. By turning people away with his mostly sarcastic and acerbic remarks, he hopes that they will eventually give up trying to see if there is any soft spot in him. Screaming at people, shouting, “Go away!”, would’ve been subtler.

The truth is he’s broken, he’s lonely, and deep inside, he wants to know if he can risk extending his hand to others. But this truth is one he does not want to deal with. After all, he can always cloak the nakedness of his soul with the robe of respectability his career hands him. Many people can curse his foul attitude but only the blind and deaf do not know he’s a genius. A brilliant yet hurting man. Sadly, no amount of Vicodin can medicate the pain that throbs not in his leg but in his heart.

————————

I’m talking about my favorite doctor, Dr Gregory House. In the first episode of the sixth season, he faces his inner demons inside an asylum that provides him temporary shelter. And Dr Nolan, the director of the mental facility, helps him by challenging him to answer hard questions, such as:

Why do you think people will treat you worse if they knew the truth?

Many things happened after this probing question was asked. In fact, not long after, Dr Nolan, seeing  House’s progress, said that he will be writing a recommendation for the latter to get his license to practice medicine again. This was immediately after House admitted to him, “She [Lydia, a woman he let in his heart] left and I’m lost.”

The diagnosis: House can go out into the world again. Dr Nolan explains, “You got hurt, which means you connected to someone else strongly enough to miss them…”

The House might be a little bit shaky but this season might prove to be the most interesting—at least for me—yet. Seems like a House renovation is ongoing. And I can’t wait to see the After.

————————

And now a related quote from my favorite author:

I met a woman who saw worth in me where I had seen little. The hard, cynical shell I had cultivated as a form of protection split apart like a carapace, and to my surprise I discovered that vulnerability need not mean danger.

Philip Yancey, Rumors of Another World

I and the rest of our company escaped the onset of Ondoy’s fury. For 3 days (but 4 days for me and the other members of the advance party) , we were marooned in Kabayan Resort in Batangas. It was time for our highly-anticipated annual retreat and outing. Let me introduce to you who I spent the days with:

Analyn and Misha helped facilitate a survival strategy game which had the groups (our staff were divided into 5 groups) deciding the order of importance of 12 objects: chocolate bar, crisco, compass, a loaded gun, empty lighter, clothes, newspaper, among others.

First lunch. Here I am queuing with Dess, Lea, Gracia and Michelle. We ate most of our meals by the beach. Now, not even a meal in a five-star restaurant can beat that. I think I gained 3 pounds from all I ate there.

We were served not just food to satisfy our hunger. What a joy and privilege being with  with people who remind me why singing songs to God is the best kind of singing anybody can do. And the buffet from God’s Word delivered by Ptr. Nomer B. was the best too!

There was a mini-mayhem before our group picture could be taken. By the way, that’s not really pink (though it looks like it!:) ) The color of our sportshirt is actually coral (or some other exquisite-sounding color).

This young lady is the newest member of our company and our team in the publications department. She never fails to bring a smile to my face with her childlikeness and zest for life. Violet could very well be renamed yellow. Yellow because she’s mostly sunny, and seldom gray.

Presenting the other members of our team: Ian (editor), Ate Lindy (editorial consultant), Ate Yna (my boss), Kuya Rico (the press coordinator), plus Sir Paul A. (CEO) and Ptr. Nomer, our speaker. Some of our teammates didn’t make it to our retreat for some reasons. We missed them.

I wish I had more time to write, and more words to dispense. But for now, I would have to end this post by saying that I am happy knowing, loving and serving God with these wonderful, beautiful people I call my officemates.

PS: Thanks to Jon De Vera and Aleks Tan for the pics.

After spending more than 12 hours cleaning, sorting through clothes, books, CDs, cosmetics (to keep, give or throw away?) yesterday, I hit the bed at the unholy hour of 1 am today with muscles throbbing and with so little strength left that all I managed to utter as a prayer was, “Lord, I am so tired. Thanks for helping me make it through this day.”

The fix-my-room bug bit me hard yesterday (and with its bite marks still visible today) that I had no choice but to let everything else take a back seat. I fell into a trance that rendered me incapable of responding to any other thought and doing any action except those in obedience to my self-imposed command. And so I dutifully followed. Now, looking around these four corners I call my room, I give myself time to write about it as a reward.

Have you ever put off doing something hard yet you know is actually good for you? For a relatively long time, I did. And then decided to tackle the task.  The proof is I in my newly-fixed, with-everything-in-its-logical place room. If you can relate to me, do you also get this feeling after you’ve accomplished your goal, “Now, why didn’t I do that sooner? I could’ve saved myself a lot of trouble.”

I said that to myself. And extended the silent monologue by admitting that I was tired (and still am actually, as my aching arms and legs remind me), but happy. It was . . . cathartic. There, that’s the word. Not an everyday word to describe such a mundane activity but so be it.

Why? Because while I was cleaning and fixing my room, I also thought about the kind of cleaning and fixing that needs to be done in my heart. How dirty my heart oftentimes get—when the cobwebs of selfishness, the stains of stubborness and marks of rebellion start to appear. The dirtyness might not be obvious to others in the same way they would notice, say, a ketchup stain on a white shirt, but I know. It might get hidden from everybody else, but in the light of careful and honest introspection,not from myself. And definitely, not God.

I’m up for another clean(s)ing session. But this time, it’s not me who will do the work. [And thank God I won't have to do it, even if by some stroke of a miracle He lets me.] Because what will take me more than a hundred eternities  to do will just take a nanosecond with Him. And what sweet relief it is to know that I don’t need to fill out a request form or write an essay detailing why I got dirty in the first place.  All I have to do is ask.

If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we’ve never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God. (1 John 1:8-10, The Message)

There’s a certain attraction in movies from the old that reel me in. By old movies I mean not silent, Charlie-Chaplin fares. By old movies I mean either those I watched before I even had the capacity to fully appreciate the themes, understand the lines, or internalize the message, or those classics begging to be discovered for the first time.

* * * * * * * * * * ** * * *

Tootsie (1982).While flipping through cable channels, I once saw some parts of this movie, with Dustin Hoffman in his Dorothy look. Then I knew I just had to watch this movie again. What I remember most about it is how much I love its theme song sung by Stephen Bishop. A part of it goes:

Looking back as lovers go walking pass…| All of my life | Wondering how they met and what makes it last | If I found the place | Would I recognize the face? | Something’s telling me it might be you | Yeah it’s telling me it might be you

Dustin was brilliant in this gender-bending movie. Of all the actors I’ve seen play a female role on the big screen (and I’ve seen more than a few), he is, by far,  the most effective among them. Tootsie is a fun, echanting comedy film that features excellent thespians and a tight script, making this lighthearted movie heavy on impact.

Verdict: I enjoyed this movie more the second time I watched it.

Nuovo Cinema Paradiso (1988). I watched this Italian film after it was recommended by ADCPP, a movie buff whose taste is a notch higher than mine. The greatest challenge about this movie? Getting a copy with English subtitles. In desperation, I had to watch the movie, in 14 parts(!), thanks to Youtube. It’s the story of Salvatore, a small town boy who grew up to become an accomplished film director whose passion for films  started in his early childhood. It’s also a story about how a common passion—the love for cinema—can tear down the boundaries of age and experience for Salvatore and Alfredo’s’ friendship to bloom . It’s a bittersweet movie, sprinkled with funny scenes, memorable lines, and punctuated by black-and-white clips showing old(er) movies.

Alfredo: Living here day by day, you think it’s the center of the world. You believe nothing will ever change. Then you leave: a year, two years. When you come back, everything’s changed. The thread’s broken. What you came to find isn’t there. What was yours is gone. You have to go away for a long time… many years… before you can come back and find your people. The land where you were born. But now, no. It’s not possible. Right now you’re blinder than I am.

Salvatore: Who said that? Gary Cooper? James Stewart? Henry Fonda? Eh?

Alfredo: No, Toto. Nobody said it. This time it’s all me. Life isn’t like in the movies. Life… is much harder.

Verdict: I enjoyed this movie. Period. [Will be watching the director's cut soon. Thanks to KH for lending me her copy!]

The Promise (1979). Currently downloading while I’m writing this post is this sappy movie based on a Danielle Steele novel. I am absolutely sure I watched this as a rerun on TV because I was too young to go to the movies when it was shown! Just like Tootsie, one of the things that I remember about this film is its hauntingly beautiful theme song.

Say goodbye when I can barely say goodnight |  if I can hardly take my eyes from yours, how far can I go? | Walk away | the thought would never cross my mind | I couldn’t turn my back on Spring or Fall | Your smile least of all | When I say always I mean forever | I trust tomorrow as much as today. . .

A necklace, a car accident, a promise, and two lovers who drifted apart only to find themselves again, years later, with one of them unaware of the other’s true identity. I am looking forward to watching this movie (again) on this cold, rainy day.

Verdict: I enjoyed this movie less the second time I watched it..

* * * * * * * * * * ** * * *

Movies, in a way, are like books. Books, even if you’ve read them before, can still teach you something new in your re-reading. Old movies, seen with new eyes, can still be as fresh and exciting as when they were first projected on screen. The images might be grainy but something about these stories and how they are told can make them appear sharp and vivid—at least in your heart.