Keeping my sanity

Some people go to the gym, or shop for clothes, or watch a movie to keep their sanity. I turn to the computer keyboard to keep mine. My life at the publishers necessitate that I think of words, write or edit them, breathe them into my system from the time I swipe in until I swipe out by ID. But lest I start believing that all words should be drawn out only within the confines of my cubicle, I make an effort to remind myself that I am a lover of words, regardless of where I am.

~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~

It was though the voice which had called to me from the world’s end were now speaking at my side. It was with me in the room, or in my body, or behind me. If it had once eluded me by its distance, it now eluded me by proximity. Something too near to see, too plain to be understood, on this side of knowledge. My imagination was, in a certain sense, baptized.

Clive Staples Lewis, or more popularly known as C.S. Lewis, wrote the beautiful words in Surprised by Joy. This work was a testament to his finally allowing a woman, Joy Gresham, to reshape his life. Here was an Oxford professor, once in his existence more attracted to theories and concepts than anything, experiencing love for the very first time at age 58. How eloquently he has expressed himself! Any woman would feel more divine than human when a passionate writer, with the stroke of his pen, caresses her ever so tenderly. In her heart she would whisper, “Don’t give me flowers, forget about the chocolates. I’d rather have your words.”

~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~

Write the copyright page. Send the email. Check my heart. The last item should always appear in my to-do list.

The claw of complaining almost grabbed me by the neck today. Trying to organize my tasks in my head, I couldn’t help but feel near-hopeless about it. Sure, I remind myself, You’ve been in a similar rut before. You’re still alive, proof that you survived it. God hasn’t failed you yet.

Yes, I know the lines but sometimes the stress catches up with me too. Case in point is when I glumly answered my boss earlier where she asked where the blueprint was. “It’s still with me. I have yet to do the copyright page. I’ll give it tomorrow.” There was nothing evil or disrespectful about what I said. Yet something about how I felt when I said it hinted that somehow, I am getting tired. No, overwhelmed—that’s the word. I didn’t like the feeling. With the waves of frustration threatening to suck me into the sea, how do I hold on to my dear life and stay dry? Lord, I don’t want to turn into a complainer, I pray silently.

Though I might find joy in what I do, my abilities and accomplishments should not define who I am. If I turn to my work to validate me, then what happens when success suddenly eludes me? Will my value be diminished with every unchecked box on my task list?

I draw a deep breath and sigh, “May I always remember.” Oh, that God would help me not to forget the right answers. For sad is the person who, at the end of his life, realizes that the world has tricked him into believing the wrong ones all along.

2 Responses to “Keeping my sanity”
  1. Swipe says:

    I know what you mean with the title. Sometimes it’s just overwhelming and you feel like you’re just repeating yourself but you can’t help it because you have to just get it out. Your friends just get tired of the same old story but you still haven’t gotten it out of your head. When you tell them about it for the nth time, their eyes just roll but you still fail to notice it. Then that’s the time to get a blog. Somehow, writing it all down get it out of my head and allows me to think about other things. Things that actually matter.

    This is where the magic of writing comes in. Paper [or webspace, for that matter] becomes the keeper of your secrets; it also becomes your sounding board. Don’t you agree that the act of writing actually makes you think better, more carefully at that? As the thoughts float above your head, you choose which to pluck from the air and pin down. And then after the exercise, it becomes clearer as you say: “This is what I think and how I feel.” 🙂

    Let me just mention, I had to use your “name” twice in this entry!

  2. this greeting is overdue, but what the hey…

    welcome to wordpress, beng!

    i do write to keep my sanity, but sometimes writing seems to cause my temporary lapse in sanity! hehe… so, the most sanity-keeping activity for me is… SLEEP! 😉

    don’t worry, i don’t think u have it in u to turn into a complainer 🙂

    Thanks for the welcome. Am happy to be here. 🙂

    Really, you get into temporary lapses in sanity with writing? Aleks, with your kind of prose, I find that hard to believe. But sleep, yes, that’s a good option too. hehe. Epektib din sa akin.

    “The fruit of the Spirit is …patience…kindness…self-control…” I guess we don’t have any reason why we should be irritating complainers.:) Uy, I appreciate the affirmation. Makes me want to avoid turning into a complainer all the more. 😉

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