Stubborn me

There are days when I find myself slinking down the pit of stubbornness. I deliberately do something which my better judgment tells me to avoid. I turn deaf to the the voice that orders me to do what will be good for me. In short, my sometimes stubborn self wins over the trying-to-be-the-best-I-can-be me.

A couple of days (or should I say nights?) ago, I threw 5 hours of sleep out of the window. My migration from PC world to Mac kingdom necessitated that I rebuild my Itunes library again. After transferring my files, I made the terrible mistake of wanting to feature the image of the covers for the albums, and more than ten-fingers’ worth of stray songs. My “brilliant” self thought that it will be best to download the images. And so I did. But what was not so brilliant about my decision was sacrificing my much-needed rest time just to be able to taste the sweet satisfaction of seeing all the covers when I flip through my list of songs.

I am ashamed to admit that I stayed up till 4am in the morning just to finish this task (Although it was not the first time I sacrificed sleep for some other task. One time was for a Meteor Garden marathon; another, to write a piece for a kind friend. Of these two, I did not regret the latter at all.) If I would make my own crossword puzzle, one of the items would be a four-letter word that is the synonym for addict and the answer would also happen to be my four-letter name.

Let me spare you the other details that any prosecutor can use to help convict me of the crime of selfishness. (Yes, that is ultimately what stubbornness is at its core.) All I know is that some are petty, while there are a few that, to my mind, are pretty grand. (And I mean that in a bad way.) God, who weighs our intentions and not just sees our actions, makes no distinction between little or big sins.

– – – – – – – – –

The next several days would have us thinking about the ultimate sacrifice of God and His greatest expression of love: Living. Dying. Living again.

The introspective in me is thinking that this side of the universe, a heart residing in this body I call mine should go through a little dying too. Although I have been redeemed by God and my sins have been washed away, I still have feet of clay that walks this earth. No shoes have yet been made that will enable me to walk on air and completely avoid my feet getting muddied while traversing this ailing world groaning for salvation. Every day the challenge is set before me: Am I going to die to my own selfish desires today? Am I willing to consider another’s needs above my own?

– – – – – – – – –

Stubborn me. Yes, I can be stubborn at times. Sometimes even a lot of times. But am I glad that something trumps my own stubbornness: God’s unbelievably, infinitely stubborn love. He who can see through my heart, shine light on its dark corners, still thinks that I deserve a second chance. And a third, And a fourth. Ad infinitum.

There is hope for stubborn me. And if you are anything like me, there is hope for someone like you too. I do not need to feel so discouraged after all.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. — Philippians 1:6 NLT

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